Earnest is Easy

Two points I suppose.

My parents came down to Philly for the weekend. They stayed at my uncle’s place in the ‘burbs and while I was originally going to write the entire entry about that…. I decided against it. The story was so boring that even I couldn’t proofread it. Anyway, we all went to dinner, and my dad, uncle, aunt, and one of their sons took one car while I drove my mom in my car. I should also note that I haven’t actually really seen my family since Christmas since I haven’t had time to go home. So you’d expect that it would take some time for me to get comfortable with them.

For the first time in my life during that car ride I spoke honestly with my mother in a non-forced, non-melodramatic, and non-one-sided way. We had a good conversation. It was serious but… also friendly. I felt like I could share with her in a very real and open way. Without so much of the pretense and gravity that most parent-child conversations have. I felt like I said what I needed to say without blurting it all out in one breath. I felt as though I was speaking clearly, concisely, and with a comfort I rarely show to my parents.

I don’t know if it means anything for the future. But those minutes I spent with my mother in my little car were among the best times I’ve ever spent with her. I felt as though she was actually listening to me like an adult. Like I could actually handle the present issues. She wanted to be part of my life, but no longer feared that she had to rush to the rescue. That I was finally assessing in real terms. In true terms.

in other arenas I fear that the above sentiment may not hold true. I’m trying to put my finger on it… hard to describe. But I shall try. For the sake of babble. When I was a freshmen I was a real annoyance. Actually I was probably more of an amusement. I was an abstainer of all things, alcohol, sex, partying, drugs, cigarettes, and anything “college”. I suppose I was deathly afraid of all those things. But most of that passed over time. But has now returned.

And why? Why am I feeling so intimidated? Every day is a struggle with avoidance. I just want to avoid it all. I want nothing and I expect nothing.

(I am afraid of anyone reading that)

To be self indulgent…..

I have heard people from time to time talk about things like “the search for meaning” and somehow I’m entirely removed from that. I’ve gone down that path. There wasn’t much to learn. And now I am left with an entirely different vocabulary. I no longer care about meaning or connection.

I’m trying to get by.

I have no stake in any ideology or belief. I put my trust in no one.

I choose to view this as the moment of inhalation. I pray that I am merely holding my breath. Waiting for a fresh wind to fill my sails. All these years later I’m drawn back to square one. Lessons from the past.

“All around us, it was as if the universe were holding its breath, waiting… The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender”.

Those words once resonated through my soul.

Perhaps they will again.