I’ve missed my last couple entries 
You can tell how hard it is for me to be consistent.
It hasn’t exactly been an easy couple of days for me. In fact it’s been damn hard.
I feel like I might be delving into that rabbit hole. I suppose I always knew that hole was there. But where it goes… I only have a mild idea.
Nothing seems for sure in there.
But it is true.
It’s all about choice.
Taking a step back and noticing what I’m doing.
Then choosing what I want to do.
Not what my impulse tells me to do.
I really had a bad weekend. I’m ashamed, really.
So I only have enough pride to write a few words.
This year has been awful for movies in my opinion. But I finally saw one, which sparked my interest.
For all the gay hype around “A Single Man”, I was somewhat worried about how it would turn out.
As it happens, it’s one of the finest films I’ve seen in some time. Is it “There Will Be Blood”, “No Country For Old Men”, or “Lost in Translation” good?
No.
But to be in that company is quite a difficult task.
Anyway. I loved “A Single Man”. I would have made slight tweaks to the final scene but otherwise it was pretty flawless.
Themes I enjoyed:
Clocks, color (or lack there of), water, windows.
And one of the most perfect shots/lines I’ve ever seen outside of the liquor store.
Amazing.
Oh, and by the way…..
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI!!!!!!
Just a little note before bed.
In an odd way I have been brought back to first principles. The same stuff I lavished over in high school and blabbed through the halls of my freshmen dorm.
There is an aspect of French Existentialism, which is a truth that can set you free or can curse you for a lifetime.
Everything is a choice.
You make it.
And as you move on from your choices, who you are changes with it. You are the sum of your choices and experiences.
But you always have a choice.
If you give that power to others, or if you do things just to please others then you’re not truly being.
And unfortunately it all comes down to that for me.
I need to start making those hard ones.
Easier said than done…..
So it’s time to be hippy dippy, ok?
I’m a pretty anxious person already, but right now I’m particularly anxious and stressed. I’m constantly thinking about what I’ve NOT done, what I need to be doing, what I want to be doing, and various ways in which I don’t stack up.
And you know what?
In class today we did a short mindfulness practice. Now, please remember that I spent a whole semester in college taking a “Neuroscience of Meditation” course and then did research last year related to that topic. So I’ve tried the practices before.
And let me tell you.
It was an entirely different experience today.
Usually I find it to be an interesting mind exercise, which I don’t really feel helps me much. But for those few minutes today I actually felt still.
I didn’t have to worry about all this stuff weighing on my shoulders.
No. I only had to sit there. I only had to focus on my breath.
Of course it’s still a difficult exercise. My mind inevitably wandered.
But there was a few minutes of peace.
You can’t always rely on conventional wisdom.
You do whatever works.
I am supposed to be writing daily reflections. I’m not sure if last night’s… discussion of Slut Boy (ok, yes in some ways he should be “Lust” Boy, but the name has stuck and I like the sound of it much better) counts as a reflection but it will have to count.
As of this moment I’m so physically tired that my brain is not thinking very logically.
And oh… my body hurts because it hadn’t been used for any exercise in several weeks.
But I will say something positive. Despite some inner demons telling me that I should skip school today to catch up on sleep, I simply stayed the course. Even at my continuity practice I was able to stay pretty level-headed and “in the moment” until the very end when lack of caloric intake and lack of sleep began to make me dizzy.
Of course the office was fun today because I got to rinse out someone’s ear and perform my first rectal exam.
At least I’m learning?
And by the way, it was somewhat embarrassing just how un-embarrassed I was when my preceptor said I could do the rectal. What was I supposed to say? “Oh, no problem. This is what I do for fun.” So I just quietly went about the business.
So that was positive. I guess.
The closing of the week (Thursday and Friday) are always the cool-down days. Once Wednesday has been dispatched I can breathe a little lighter.
I had intended to go out on Friday but now I’m not so sure. I don’t think I can survive another late night until I pay back some sleep.
All else is pretty quiet in my life. My mother is having a tough time caring for my grandfather now that he is alone. In some societies I’m sure I’d be required to help out. Luckily, this is not one of those societies. It’s not that I don’t care. I do. But he’s in denial. He’s unable to keep the house clean or do daily activities alone. He needs to be in a home or assisted living. I don’t tolerate such denial especially when it’s hurting him and annoying me.
And I’m trying to organize a Spring Break trip with Jeffrey. At first I wanted to go to the Sony Ericsson Open in Key Biscayne but now we’re thinking Southwest… another visit to Palm Springs? We’ll see. I need a warm vacation. The northeast blows chunks.
